About the soul, the heart

The last few weeks have been terrible for me. Terrible. I have no words to express how awful. Then the last few days things came along that, already in a corner, completely crushed me.

No, no one died, no one is bad. This would be much worse. I remember the first call from my mom - we lived further away at the time. She told me about my father’s cancer that had just been discovered. That was horrible. Still, this house crushes me. Me crushes many things that slumber in the underground of me and then these current events to it. It is a personal suffering. Only meant for me. If something else came, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Now it is so that I must be strong. The last time I had to be strong was in the Bundeswehr. I take this example again and again, because exactly that was the horror for me. I had to fight, no matter what. Now I fight for my family, that they have a nice house, a loving father. I fight day by day, hour by hour. And I break down when no one sees and hears. I write this on my blog, on Micro.blog, on Twitter, etc. Everyone can read it if they want to, if they can find it. My family doesn’t know about it. They would have to look for it.

Do you know what I do? I watch videos like this. It doesn’t destroy me, it facilitates what is necessary. To release emotions. Sometimes it works without, sometimes it works only with.

I want to emphasize again that many are worse off. Maybe some laugh about it: Oh what, a house construction…. everybody has problems… And yet, for me, it’s really bad right now. When you’ve lost control and you’re pretending to yourself that you have it. When you pretend to be strong to your family, to be who they know you are, but you’re not. That kills me.

@Gaby recently wrote about how good and bad things keep coming up, just like that. And you think to yourself, why is this exactly what’s coming up for me right now? I know this time will stay with me for a long time, always coming up. Just like my time in the Bundeswehr. Those experiences there. This horror. This pressure, this “having to do something even though you don’t have the strength to do it.”

Corona clearly plays a part in that. I’ve been sitting at home for over a year, I have zero variety. Everyone gets on each other’s nerves, so to speak. Then there’s the stress of building a house, half of which is going well, the other half not at all. And even more, which hardly anyone knows about.

Let’s say, many who read the blog or at Micro.blog, know how I’m doing. I remember the podcast with @jean. There I had calmer minutes. I was able to focus on that. That was nice, but even then I was basically just caught up in stress. But not like now. Life always puts one on top of the other. And I’m already waiting for the next event. And I can well imagine what that will be.

Let’s leave it at that. Let’s just say I don’t feel well. You don’t have to respond, don’t react. I just want to say that whether I’m posting new homescreen setups or photos right now, these are the very few bright moments for me that I’m trying to enjoy. That’s not how I feel consistently.

So in writing this it just struck me that I didn’t mean to write this at all, at least not publicly. Maybe in a journal. Still, I’m hitting send right now. It’s a headline. If you like, you can click on it. It then lands in the blog of an actually hearty person who is at a loss, but does everything to keep many things away from others.

All the best to you.

Dominik Höcht @ohBananaJoe

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